So...I decided not to blog the past couple of days because I kind of wanted to "sit" on what I was experiencing, digest it, process it, and really try to see the situation for what it is before I vomited words on a page filled with extreme negativity. This..is progress for me. I usually spill it first, digest later.
So...Saturday night was a night I had been looking forward to for quite some time. I had registered Glenn and I to attend a Group Link at a local church before we were even married because I knew we would need to find community in addition to what we have at Rescue Atlanta. We needed to find a church or small group to get plugged into where we could be filled because we are always working while at Rescue Atlanta. The worship is amazing, but we always miss the Bible teaching time. I was feeling pretty lonely at times, but knew this event was "just around the corner." Saturday night, I must have tried on 5 outfits, nothing looked right, nothing fit right...I was already starting to "Stress" and even that frustrated me. "Morgan, why are you so worried about this?" But...any time you are the "new kid" there's always that extra sense of anxiety and wanting to fit in. I know Glenn thought I was crazy.
And you know how when you're already anxious and then everything seems to go wrong only making that already insecure feeling seem enormous? (Ok men, if you don't get this, I know some of the women will.) Well....that was our night. The car overheated on the way to the church, there was no where to pull over, Glenn was freaking out (in a manly way) about pulling over, but I literally had no where to go. So we made it to the church, parked and decided to deal with the car afterwards. After we checked in and got our name tags, I almost felt like I was having a panic attack. We were surrounded my couples, none of who we knew. Trying to find a place to "fit in." My eyes immediately brimmed with tears and I went in the bathroom to fan my face and take a few deep breaths. This is SO unlike me. I usually don't meet a stranger. But then again, I'm usually on the welcoming end in those church situations. I love to make people feel welcome, but I hate being the new kid (although a very good reminder of what it's like).
I'll spare you the details, but let's suffice it to say it was a horrible experience. We had a terrible time trying to connect with a group and after the 30 minute Mingle, we were left standing next to a couple we had just briefly spoken with and then another couple walked up that they really connected with and it felt like we didn't even exist. So as they said, "Ok...now that you've found a group, lets get you signed up" Circles were forming all around the room with people who had hit it off and were about to start their journey together and it maximized that feeling of "one of these things is not like the other." So...we left.....with me in tears.....to then get in the car, struggle to find a gas station before the car quit, landing in bumper to bumper traffic on the interstate, and making a wrong turn to get home. It was just one of those night. I walked in the front door, washed my face and crawled into bed. A day I'd rather forget.
But as we were driving home that night in silence, I listened to the Christian radio station in Atlanta, the Fish. And it seemed like song after song met me right where I was. Especially this one, my current favorite. Click below to listen to it. I always turn it up when it comes on the radio.
Over the past 2 days I've been thinking, "Ok God, my life is For Your Renown. How do I make you famous in the midst of this? What is it you are wanting me to learn? What are you trying to show me through this?"
And today, I read this passage of scripture: 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 taken from The Message.
3-5All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
6-7When we suffer for Jesus, it works out for your healing and salvation. If we are treated well, given a helping hand and encouraging word, that also works to your benefit, spurring you on, face forward, unflinching. Your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you're going to make it, no doubt about it.
8-11We don't want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don't want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God's deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part.
The part that really has been on my mind is the verse that says..." When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you're going to make it, no doubt about it."
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Am I JUST as willing to ENDURE the hard times as enjoy the good times?
I had to sit on that for awhile. Willingly endure hard times AS MUCH as I willingly enjoy good times?
Willingly? Willing involves a choice. So every time I am faced with a hard time I can CHOOSE how I will respond. Will my actions show that I believe God is in control? Or will my actions show that I doubt God and His promises? If I choose to doubt God, what will my life say to those around me? Or will my life say....."God's got this" and in turn reflect God...which makes HIM famous.
I have to be honest tonight and say....I'm struggling with choosing to endure, because tonight, I just honestly want to have a good hard cry and whine and throw an emotional and spiritual temper tantrum. That's my flesh.
But deep inside of me, I know that doing that is giving in to my flesh and says nothing about who God is or what I believe about Him. I'm reminded of His suffering. Of His endurance of hard times and ONLY BECAUSE OF THAT can I sit in a place of freedom in my salvation. If He had not endured...this would all be pointless.
So....tonight, even though I may shed some tears because life is sometimes painful, it is not because I fear. It is because I feel. And I am standing on the promises of God that HE goes behind and before me, hemming me in to His perfect will. Maybe there was a reason we didn't connect at that church. Maybe He has a more suited place for us. Maybe He needed me to endure this to in turn comfort someone else along the way.
Maybe this is all part of the cultivation process.
But as mentioned....your prayers are crucial, so I covet them now.
Though my sorrow may last for the night, His JOY comes with the morning. There's gonna be brighter days.
For His Renown,
Morgan
8-11We don't want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don't want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God's deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part.
The part that really has been on my mind is the verse that says..." When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you're going to make it, no doubt about it."
tr
Am I JUST as willing to ENDURE the hard times as enjoy the good times?
I had to sit on that for awhile. Willingly endure hard times AS MUCH as I willingly enjoy good times?
Willingly? Willing involves a choice. So every time I am faced with a hard time I can CHOOSE how I will respond. Will my actions show that I believe God is in control? Or will my actions show that I doubt God and His promises? If I choose to doubt God, what will my life say to those around me? Or will my life say....."God's got this" and in turn reflect God...which makes HIM famous.
I have to be honest tonight and say....I'm struggling with choosing to endure, because tonight, I just honestly want to have a good hard cry and whine and throw an emotional and spiritual temper tantrum. That's my flesh.
But deep inside of me, I know that doing that is giving in to my flesh and says nothing about who God is or what I believe about Him. I'm reminded of His suffering. Of His endurance of hard times and ONLY BECAUSE OF THAT can I sit in a place of freedom in my salvation. If He had not endured...this would all be pointless.
So....tonight, even though I may shed some tears because life is sometimes painful, it is not because I fear. It is because I feel. And I am standing on the promises of God that HE goes behind and before me, hemming me in to His perfect will. Maybe there was a reason we didn't connect at that church. Maybe He has a more suited place for us. Maybe He needed me to endure this to in turn comfort someone else along the way.
Maybe this is all part of the cultivation process.
But as mentioned....your prayers are crucial, so I covet them now.
Though my sorrow may last for the night, His JOY comes with the morning. There's gonna be brighter days.
For His Renown,
Morgan
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