The Chasm Between Head and Heart

Tonight, I find myself stuck in a chasm between what my head knows and my heart feels. I spend a lot of time sharing stories about what we are doing. Most of the time there is a need that is filled by generous people and we rejoice. Although today was filled with some of those same stories. I am overwhelmed with frustration and sadness. My marriage probably mirrors many in the sense that my husband is a much more logical thinker than me and I have to wade through emotions before I get to the place of reason because I FEEL so strongly. Today is no different.

I put a post up earlier and took it down but after stewing over it, I feel like if I'm going to share our journey, I need to share the reality of what we do on a daily basis. Good times and bad times. It's all part of the story. Any  good book has a dilemma which is what makes the solution so good. 

 We were told we have to press pause on our involvement with a local tutoring program because there was some concern of a conflict of interest in our involvement since we have a separate non profit that works with youth in the neighborhood. Should this not be the exact reason why we partner? Are we once again faced with the issue of competition rather than unity? We thought we would support by providing volunteer help with their program that focuses on tutoring and we would do our program in a different time slot that focuses on leadership development and mentoring. Need I mention that we LIVE in this neighborhood as well?

And the issue is not even my biggest frustration...it is the fact that in the way in which it was handled we literally were called into a meeting in the middle of tutoring and not given the opportunity to say anything to the kids we were working with which A) made it look like I walked out on a boy in the middle of tutoring him after I had told him I would run home to get index cards for flash cards and B) made me a liar to the little girl who asked me if we could please play UNO today after homework. These are kids with whom we have been trying to earn trust, practice consistency and build relationships.  So honestly...I'm battling anger, frustration, resentment and all things ugly tonight.

My husband however, so simply and truthfully said..."Morgan, this is not our battle, it's God's."

Why does He always have to be right in those moment? Sometimes I just want to feel what I feel. I got mad. Defensive. Shut down. And now I'm having to confess that in those moments of reaction, it's usually because he's right and the chasm between truth of head and feeling of heart is one of the most painfully honest places to reside. 

I wish I could program myself to respond accordingly in those moments. To so simply and boldly proclaim that God is in control without a skip in my step. I know the more I grow and practice walking by faith and not by sight the more natural that reaction will become and some days it feels like I am bringing up the rear in that race.  I also know that those same deep feelings of frustration with injustice are the same deep feelings that drive me to act on behalf of those who do not seem to have a voice, are not being heard or are simply tired of trying.

Sometimes our strengths are also our weaknesses. That same burning adrenaline in my chest at the end of our meeting today is similar to the rush of passion I get when God's people unite and serve and meet needs in our community. It is the flood of joy I got today in taking two sweet girls to pick out a brand new pair of shoes so they could start school tomorrow (all they had was flip flops) and that does not meet dress code.

It's the bittersweet feeling of having to say goodbye to a precious family we have been serving at a local motel but knowing that we were able to impact them in such a way that the one thing the kids had to do before leaving was see us to say goodbye. Glenn and I were able to pray with the mom and encourage her in a step of faith she needs to make in taking care of her family. She told me the 12 year old told her I was her "sister."

It's the stirring I experience when I stand upstairs and look out on our neighborhood and see innocent children in the midst of a community filled with gangs, drugs and absent fathers. It's the strength I feel in knowing that God has placed us here to carry out a vision that HE has put in our hearts to share His love, grace and truth. 

We desire to be seen as team players, not the enemy. We hope to support our community and its people in any way we can.  

I am praying that God will continue to renovate my heart to reflect Him more every day. It is a daily refining process but my hearts greatest desire is to be more like Him.

We were doing ministry before this little snafu and we will continue to do it despite it. It does not hinder our current ministry efforts and future plans. Families are being served. Kids are being loved. Students are being mentored. Stomachs are being fed. Children are being clothed. We will continue to be obedient to God's call on our lives and thank you for standing in the gap with your prayers and encouragement.

Sorry Glenn, You were right. ;)

Blessings, Morgan