Being "Mama Morgan"...

I've been sitting on this post for a few days now. Most of the reason for that is I've been trying to figure out how to express the deepest parts of me while protecting those involved. I will probably have a raw and honest version of this that will only be available by email for a smaller group. But in the meantime, I have to be able to off load some of my thoughts that are racing before I can sleep tonight.

"Mama Morgan."  This was a title given to me about a year and a half ago when Glenn and I started teaching the middle school class at Rescue Atlanta. One of the girls who is now like my adopted daughter referred to me by this title along with calling Glenn, "Papa Glenn." As a result...we got to refer to this group as "our kids." Little did I know that this title would come with real joys and struggles of being a parent.

I have made comments before about wanting to be a mother someday...and the more time goes by, I'm learning to accept that I may never be a "biological mom" to anyone, but I sure am an adopted mom to many. I am "Mama Morgan."

When I hear those words roll off the lips of these precious kids...it does something to my heart. It kind of brings that added sense of purpose and new found love that only those words carry. When so many of our kids have a warped understanding of what a parent is or miss out on things because of a parents actions, it puts an entirely different type of weight on those words. I have wiped away the tears of a child who was heartbroken because they felt like their parent didn't even like them more less want to talk to them. When I get an extra tight bear hug and I wonder when the last time their parent embraced them like that or when they ever will again it makes me never want to let go. When we provide a room and a bed for a child who does not even have a room in their own home anymore or is sharing it with 9 other people, it makes me want to let them move in a decorate it the way they want enjoying their own space. I am "Mama Morgan."

This week we were blessed to have three of our kids with us. I experienced every emotion under the sun and so often caught myself saying..."so this is what it feels like." We have had 3 teenagers with us and they have done everything  to live up to that title of teenager. We have dealt with calling them out, chores, mood swings, pouting, fighting with each other, being stubborn, etc. To moments of incredible joy, laughing til we cried, hugs in the morning and at night, opportunities to teach life lessons, dinner, games, movies, late night adventures, seeing them thrive, seeing them lead. We have even had the "I'm the favorite" argument coupled with "who do you love most?"

We have done everything we can to give these kids a week of love and memories. We have made decisions much like parents to set boundaries, and have sacrificed both physically and financially for their well being and happiness this week. I have felt the tension this week of trying to be a good "mom" and a good "wife." I have done their laundry and stayed up late cleaning making sure they had what they needed for the next day.

I am "Mama Morgan," yet at the end of the day, I am not their mother. I do not hold the legal rights to make decisions for them. I can't take take them to the dentist, the doctor, move them in or change their circumstances. This is where I struggle. I wrestle in the deepest part of me.

I love them as if they were my own. I may never rock my own child, hear their first words, take them to their first day of school, get them ready for prom, send them off to college. I may be the adopted  parent to hundreds of kids in my lifetime. I will wipe away tears of pain, hug til my arms hurt, exhaust myself for a smile, strive to provide positive childhood experiences, spend my own money on their physical needs and more. But I will also be blessed to feel that sigh of relief when they feel arms wrapped around them in an embrace they may have longed for. I will get to experience some of their firsts: baseball games, basketball games, etc. I will be there in the stands when there is no one there to cheer them on. I will play Candyland 100 times over. I will be at their graduation. I will encourage them to dream. I will pray and plead with God over their life and decisions. I will call them out when they do wrong but will pour blessing and encouragement at the same time. I will love them...but I will also let them go....entrusting them to God..who sees them, knows them and cares for them more deeply than I ever could.

I will live in this tension of undeniable joy and intense heartbreak.

I will grow in a deeper way, love in a deeper way, pray in a deeper way.

I will be a better person because of them.

I am so humbled that God has allowed me to have a part in their story because it is an incredible part of mine.

I am "Mama Morgan."