These Are The Days...

These are the days when my head will hit the pillow with tear filled eyes and I will wonder if it matters.

These are the days when you pray that the support you are offering to a single mom will not enable her but will bring to life the power of the body of Christ and the verses about helping a brother in need. That through the actions of others she will be more compelled to engage in Christian community. Trusting that she will next right thing to develop a pattern of walking with the Lord versus the world. That her kids will see her rise up with the strength of God and choose him and them.

These are the days where your body is tired from running from one thing to the next. Trying to juggling emails, texts, messages and not fully engaging in where you are because of trying to mobilize and organize....feeling the exact opposite at the end of the day.

These are the days when discussing the whereabouts of former students, you realize that many of the girls have become teen moms, ran away or become involved in gangs. The what if questions threaten to overtake any amount of positive moments you can recall.

These are the days when you watch a group of boys graduate a program that so diligently tried to help young men develop job interviewing and life skills. As they left the interview room some of them immediately showed exactly where their hearts and head were. As you sat in that room and looked at the sharp wire surrounding the entrance to the Youth Detention Center, you feared how many would end up there again.

These are the days when you return home from dinner with your mom to find the basketball goal lowered all the way down, knowing that the same kids you went over the rules with when you left, lowered it as soon as you drove off. This may seem trivial but it goes so much deeper. The disappointment you feel as you make a sign that says, "Court Closed. You broke the rules," and attach it to the now raised goal. All the feelings that come knowing that they will look at it and walk around the corner, not caring about the consequences you have instilled. Consequences that are for their benefit. Boundaries that must be in place.

These are the days when one of the kids you have poured more time and resources into than anyone else figuratively and literally shuts a door in your face. You feel guilty for the anger you feel towards them. You try to find the words to draw them out but fall silent and find yourself sinking into a pit of self pity and apathy. You are frustrated that what seemed like the start of a promising conversation about salvation just days ago has ended with silent frustration.

These are the days when you think about everything going on tomorrow and all you want to do is get in a car and drive....very far away.... just to breathe a little lighter. Just for a day. To get a pedicure, sleep in without knocks on the door, feel a tiny bit selfish, read and be lazy for just a day. You look at other people's lives and wish you could trade places for a few hours...just a few. Just feeling that makes you aware of the heart check you need.

These are the days when you are honest that you have been doing things in your own strength this week instead of the strength of God and feel frustrated that you let yourself get to this point....yet again. You worry about typing a blog that is raw and not celebrating all the good and afraid people will judge you in the weakness you display. Afraid they won't want to send support of volunteer with such a Debbie Downer. The other part of you feels like you will explode if you can't be real about the tough days.

These are the days when you battle between, "Was it enough or too much?"

These are the days when you want to put a band aid on your heart because it hurts. A lot.

But, these are the days when you know that as much as you feel like giving up, you won't.

Because..These. Are. The. Days.

Each one comes with its beauty and despair. Hope and Joy. Pain and Laughter.

You remember that God never said it would be easy, just that He would be with you in the midst of it.

You realize the same message you are trying to share with others is the one you need yourself.

He is enough.

For them.

He is enough.

For me.