I have picked a "One Word" for each year for the past 3 years. It's always really interesting to see how it becomes a theme woven into the moments of my year. Usually my word is something encouraging like "Cultivate" or "Release." I was anticipating a similar feel good word for 2014. Once I worked through the words I "wanted" to have or words that "looked good," I was left with that knot in my stomach when you become self aware of truth. (That is why it is February and I'm just now getting around to writing this blog). My word for 2014 is: Selfish.
I kept reading Webster's Dictionary definition and going....that's not really how I feel about it. Then I came across this definition: "devoted to or caring only for oneself; characterized by manifesting concern or care only for oneself." If you know me, you know the word "only" will never be true of me. My heart was drawn to the words: devoted, care, manifesting concern.
There is usually an underlying theme for people in ministry and that is a servant's heart. I think I have at times worn this as a badge of honor rather than a humble position. It feels good to help people. It feels good to be depended on. It makes me feel needed to be asked to do things. Beyond that is a deep pit of pride, exhaustion, unhealthy choices and a distorted view of one self. Other people's "emergencies" soon consume any amount of margin that may possibly exist. The most dangerous of them all is neglecting to realize that God is on the throne, sees all, cares for all and can handle all.....without me.
I don't think this makes me a bad person. I think I'm being honest about a topic in which many struggle. If you are that person....you are not alone. You are not a bad person. It doesn't make your heart or care for others wrong. It certainly doesn't mean you can't serve.
Everything I do is with the best of intentions. I think most people would use words like "huge heart, servant's heart, caring, loving, devoted, etc" to describe me. While those are true....there are other words like "exhausted, lonely, self reliant, stubborn" that I would tack onto a definition of me. I'm not ok with that. I know I've been a less than stellar friend because I have been "too busy" for a phone call or a cup of coffee. A few months ago, I was so burnt out that I just cried and shut down for a few days. I was so afraid of letting someone down. Upon digging deeper I discovered that I had this performance issue that I think has been there my entire life. I was always trying to get people to laugh or like me and prove them wrong about what I presumed their first impressions were about me. Effort. Lots and lots of extreme effort.
Effort is exhausting. I've found myself constantly sick and constantly tired. I have a craft room I don't even use because there is no time. I have shelves and shelves of books to be read (which I've been better about recently). Missional living feels like a 24/7 job and to some extent, it is. Even within the missional life, there has to be a rhythm. Breathing is necessary for life to exist. If a person only exhales, they will die. So I'm trying to learn how to breathe again. Most of that falls on my ability to not find my worth in other peoples opinion of me. It's learning to say no when I need to say no. It's caring enough about myself to treat myself every now and then. It's about making healthy choices. It's about cutting out drama and surrounding myself with people who encourage me. It is making that time to breath IN my Savior and his words about me, so that I can breathe HIM out to those we minister to.
Please, for those I serve with....do not stop asking me. Give me the opportunity to say no. I spent several years on survival mode and this is the first year in awhile that I actually feel like I'm thriving in certain ways. Don't make that decision for me, just be aware that the girl who ALWAYS says yes.....may start to say no. That is ok. It is good. It is me clearing out my lungs.
Tonight, I packed up my bags in the middle of bible study and I got in my car and came home. I didn't cause a scene, but I knew that with my schedule this week, I needed some time at home. I didn't feel guilty. I didn't apologize. I just left because deep down thats what I needed to do. I was not the teacher. I heard the message and it was about self care and the best self care I could give myself was to breathe tonight. (So any of my girls there....don't worry, I'm not mad.) I'm actually feeling good to be showered, comfortable and in a dim lit room typing my thoughts before bed.
I'm always seeking ways to bless others and I'm choosing to also bless myself this year. There is a group of women with whom I've knitted hearts with. It is a writers group of women (My Story Sisters) and they have at times been the voice of truth recently. They encourage me to write words like this. They push me to dig in and find my voice and my brave because its good for me. They have a retreat in Austin this summer and while I still don't know how I'll afford it, I know that I need to be there. It is the big selfish decision of my year, to do something that is "for me." Writing is healing for me and I need to invest time into that. Reading the words that come out of me are sometimes a shock and in those moments I feel like God took over my fingers to teach me something that was within me all along.
There is a reason why pastors take sabbaticals or teaching months or even spiritual retreat days. I think for me, I just have to be intentional about doing those things on my own.
So...here's to breathing. I'm securing my own oxygen mask and and breathing in, SO THAT I can breathe out.
Less of me and more of you God. I want to be who God created me to be....in relation to Him.
That is my earnest prayer.
You have my permission to ask me how I'm doing.
Exhale.
Oh I hear you loud and clear! Good for you!
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