Yep. You read it correctly. God is calling me to go into the local strip clubs through a ministry at my church.
As I type it, I can't actually believe I'm saying it, let alone doing it. Let me start at the beginning.
As most know, my husband has a pretty incredible testimony of God's goodness and power. He is a man after God's own heart, now, but prior to that he spent the better part of 18 years managing strip clubs, some of which are here in Savannah....one of which I will be going into this Thursday night.
Two years ago I was invited to be a part of a group of women who would start praying about starting a ministry that would go into some of the local clubs each week with a home cooked meal, cupcakes and smiles. No agenda other than showing God's love and building relationships. I thought, "Of course I can do this. I SHOULD do this. After all, that was in the past and this is a great way for me to support my (at the time) fiance's transformation in Christ." I went to the meetings. I prayed. I baked cupcakes, but when it was brought up about me going into the club....I almost had an anxiety attack. See...I have never been inside of a strip club. I always had very judgmental opinions of what happens there. Why would women choose that path? The men who parked outside and went in made me sick. I was preparing to marry a man who had seen it all and been a part of it all and I really adopted this "me vs. them" attitude. Then the questions started flooding my mind? What if my experience there changes how I feel about Glenn? What if we get married and I'm always insecure about if I will measure up to his expectations? We had already ran into people all over town that he used to work with and I felt my heart rate increase wondering what his interactions with them once were. What if? What if ? What if? On the flip side I was SO upset with myself that I could not get over this mental hump and have compassion. I did not WANT to feel the way I felt, but as our wedding day neared...the anxiety only increased.
I talked to Glenn and he admitted that he did not want me to go because it would change everything. I decided that I could support this ministry through baking for the sake of "comfort" and "security" in our new relationship. We married, moved to Atlanta and to be honest, I was thankful. It was a new start. We settled into life in Atlanta where (in my head) we were protected from the past. It wasn't long before Glenn started thinking about starting a ministry God had placed on his heart "Pimp to Pastor" to share his testimony and start ministering to men who were struggling. With my mouth, I said it was a great idea and I supported him 100%. That's what I wanted to feel. Inside though, anxiety and insecurity were taking root in my heart. I knew that this ministry was going to cause him to cross paths with many people from his past. I also knew that at some point someone was going to say, "Well how does your wife feel about all of this?" I could not reconcile in my mind how this could just be "his" ministry. I know I hurt him through the process because it was like I was the only person who couldn't let him be a new creation and use his testimony to help others. It hurt me to see that pain on his face. Through my own confusion, I was confusing him as to what he should do. Satan knew JUST where to hit that target on me and it was working. He also knew the exact spot to hurt our marriage. We were frustrated, fighting and hurt. I think we were both at a loss.
When we felt God was leading us to Savannah to start the Dream Campaign, I was so frustrated with God. "Why God, are you making me go back to a place where I'm going to be uncomfortable again?" But as I prayed over it, I felt God whispering to my heart..."Because I'm not done with you yet. This is not only about the Dream Campaign. I need to work on you in a way that can only be done in that place." Everything I've posted has been about The Dream Campaign and what we're doing...but it has been so much more than that. God has been literally renovating my heart and reconstructing it in a way that I never thought was humanly possible. A few months ago, I told the leader of the strip club ministry that I wanted to be trained to go into the clubs, but I wasn't ready to go in just yet.
Last Friday, my church had a movie night called 31:8. This is based on Proverbs 31:8 - "Speak up for those who can not speak for themselves..." We watched a movie called "The Candy Shop" which talked about sex trafficking among children. I HIGHLY encourage you to watch it. You can find it on Vimeo. It was a 30 minute movie that shook me to the core and in that moment, my entire thought process changed. My dear friend shared about opportunities to serve with the strip club ministry. It was time. It was like God lifted the veil from my eyes and my heart. It was an extremely difficult video for Glenn to watch as well. On the way home, I said..."I'm ready to go into the clubs." He said, "Ok. I think you should."
That was Friday. Monday I was asked to go into a club this Thursday. Not just any club....a club that Glenn used to actually manage.That is ONLY God. Glenn and I have been able to talk with excitement about this opportunity. Not an ounce of anxiety has surfaced in my heart only an INCREDIBLE amount of anticipation to smile and show love to other women. Women, who just like me, are loved by our Abba. Women, who just like me, sometimes feel helpless. Women, who just like me, have emotions, feelings, names, family, stories, dreams, hopes. They are women....JUST LIKE ME. I can think of no greater honor than to serve them. I can think of no greater way to support my husband and extend ministry to a place that was once so familiar to him. I can think of no greater joy than to give GOD the glory for the incredible work HE has done on my heart and my mind. For the healing that has taken place and the new found sense of freedom I am experiencing.
And with all of those amazing feelings of God's goodness and love, I have one last thing to say.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to those of you who may read this and know Glenn from those days. I'm sorry for the judgement I had, the fear I felt and the unwillingness I had in getting to know YOU. I promise it did not come from a holier than thou place, but from fearing that somehow...I wasn't good enough. I am THANKFUL that God kept you in Glenn's life and I hope that you will accept my apology and give me the honor of calling you a friend as well.
And to my incredible husband. I love you. Thank you for being patient with me, praying for me and loving me through it all. I am so proud of you and I am thrilled that we can now truly be partners in this journey....in every sense of the word.
Choose Compassion...See What Happens.
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