Home Cooked Friendships in a Fast Food World

I've been thinking about community and friendships lately. What does it mean to me? What do I want from it? What can I give to it? I have watched it be done well and I have watched it go terribly wrong.

I think that everyone has this desire deep down wether it's verbalized or not to be seen, heard, encouraged and held accountable,  but I wonder just how much we really truly give people the space to do that. Too often I watch people say they want it, but then once the cards are on the table they slowly revert back into the comfort of a "fast food relationship."  Sometimes that person is me. Fast food is easy right? If I don't have much time, not worried about the quality or nourishment, I can swing through the drive thru. It is fairly cheap and quick. It meets a need,  but can leave me feeling ill and wishing I would have taken the time to actually do the work of grocery shopping and preparing a home cooked meal. Being healthy takes work. I have to think and plan ahead, especially if I want something tasty AND healthy. I have to consider what ingredients I need, purchase and prepare them. Sometimes it leaves a mess in the kitchen and I've got to take the time to clean it all up. I used to settle for fast food many nights because I didn't have to think about. Recently though, I discovered that  I will go through the trouble if the result is something of value to me. 

I wonder if friendships and relationships are not often treated in the same manner. We can live a life of fast food relationships and rarely be seen. We can be the life of the party and go home feeling empty. We can sit in bible study groups with a smile on our face and be broken on the inside. We can appear to be the most confident while secretly feeling incredibly insecure. We let people get just close enough to like us, but when it's time to start doing the work, we speed on through that drive thru.
There are going to be those people in our life, but if you look around and everyone is whizzing by....I would pose this question....Why? Are they merely just an acquaintance? If it is a person with whom you desire a relationship have you made no space for them to chop vegetables, stir the pot and stay for dinner?

I want to be a person who gives people space to help me prepare the meal and stay for dinner. I have to be careful who I engage in this process with because there is not room at this type of table for every single person in my life, but there should be room for at least one, if not a few.

What do home cooked friendships look like?

I think these are the type of friendships where you celebrate in the successes, gently hold the fragile places, pick up the broom when things get broken, tread water when things get tough and then there's the bull eyes. Sometimes it means throwing the dart into the bull's eye when it's needed. Seeing the truth and speaking it. Receiving truth because you know it is in love. Chopping the vegetables, washing the dishes and staying for dinner.

There's nothing like that first bite of a delicious meal that you have labored over. It is usually worth the effort and knowing there are people to share it with makes it even better.

A home cooked meal is a labor of love.


Linking up for the first time over at Cara Strickland's Little Did She Know blog about friendship! Check out some other great thoughts on the subject!

When It's Not a Fairy Tale Ending...

"You left and you never came back."

Those were the words whispered to me as I laid on a hard bed in a dimly lit house filled with random people and stroked the hair of a former student who was coming down off a trip on an unknown drug.

About four months ago my heart pounded as I heard, "Ms. Morgan...it's me," on the other end of the phone line. It was the voice of a former student in Atlanta who had run away and been missing for several months. I had done everything I could to try and find her via internet research on facebook, twitter and instagram. I sent messages to people on her contact list asking them to please have her call me. She had blocked me because I think she knew I would not stop trying to find her. I did everything short of going to Atlanta and driving the streets myself. Eventually she decided to come home and she called to let me know. Her plan was to start Job Corp. She sounded good. She sounded happy. She sounded like the girl I once knew. The one who had a dream.

We talked a few more times but I had not heard from her in about a month or two. I was in Atlanta this past weekend and decided to visit some of the students we had worked with before moving back to Savannah. I called this particular students house and the grandmother who takes care of all of her grandchildren proceeded to tell me that several of her grandkids were "going crazy" and she didn't know what to do with them. She told me that her granddaughter previous mentioned had not started Job Corp, had run away again and just come back recently. She had come in that afternoon speaking nonsense and acting crazy because she was "on something" and was currently sleeping it off. When I asked about her grandson she told me he was in jail awaiting trial for a robbery, but the adult he was with when committing the crime had received 15-20 years. Her grandson is only 13. My heart ached. Why? Why were these kids running hard and fast toward crime, danger, wrecklessness? The laughter and memories we had shared ran through my head. I told the grandmother I was on my way.

I pulled up in front of a house I had been to many times. Several of the siblings greeted me with hugs and smiles. As I walked in the door the only light in the house was that of the TV screen. I could barely make out the faces of those I knew and there was a girl passed out on the couch. I squinted to see if it was my girl. One of the other kids directed me to the back bedroom and said "she" was asleep on the bed. There was an old man sitting in a chair next to the bed watching a football game. I've always seen him but he never speaks. I excused myself as I squeezed past him and gently settled on the bed next to the student whom I have prayed, ached and cried for many times over the past 3 years. I started stroking her hair gently to let her know I was there.

"Ms. Morgan?"

 - "Yes honey...it's me."

(sigh)

 - "What are you doing sweetheart?"

"I don't even know. I don't know what I took. Is there a girl on the couch?"

 - "Yes. She is asleep."

"Oh man. I thought she would be gone."

 - "Sweet girl. I've been so worried about you."

"You left and you never came back."

 - "Oh but I did, but when I came back you were gone...you had run away. I told you even though we moved I would always be here. I'm here now"

(She looked up and started stroking my hair)
"I guess people go their seperate ways, We thought we were never gonna hear from you. But you were the only one that called.. Yeah....I know you were looking for me too. My friends told me."

-"Do you know why I do what I do today?"

"Why?"

-"Because of you. You were the first dreamer. Everytime I see a student now, I think of you. What happened to your dreams?"

(she sat upright on the bed)
"I don't know. I'm about to get really mad."

-"Why? At who?"

"At myself. Why did I let myself get to this point? I don't even know why I'm doing what I'm doing."

-"It's never too late sweet girl. I believe in you. You are talented. Beautiful. You have SO much ahead of you, but you have to choose it. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Let's go get some fresh air."

We stepped outside and stood by my car and talked awhile longer. I looked up to see a teenager standing in the window of the abandoned house across the street throwing up gang signs and then causing the sounds of a taser shock. My girl said, "oooo I should have beat him yesterday, he's always standing over there with a gun in his pants acting all cool."

I took a deep breathe and gave her a hug and told her I would be back in a few weeks to check on her.
She asked me if she could come back to Savannah with me. I told her she had to start making some wise choices and get off the drugs before she came home with me but we could revisit the conversation later.

I drove home with another girl who we have walked through the fire with and thankfully come out the other side. Through a cracked voice and tear brimmed eyes I said, "I'm proud of you." She said, "Why, Mama Morgan?"  I replied with..."I just am. Papa Glenn and I are so proud of you."

I dreamed of being able to say that to the student whom I'd just left coming off of her high, praying that there was a next time to be able to say it.

It reiterated to me how important it is for these kids to have a consistent and  positive someone in their life.  It reminded me of the power of prayer and how I need to be on my face before God on their behalf daily. It reminded me that I am not a savior to anyone and that only the true Savior can create a life change that they need.

Not every story is a fairy tale ending, but showing up, reminding them of what they can not see and keeping hope alive is sometimes all you can do and leave it in God's hands.

When the Adrenaline Runs Out and You're Left With, "No, I'm Not Okay."

Remember that time recently when I smiled and said, "I'm fine, everything is great" .....?

I was probably lying. Forgive me.

I feel like I live in this tension of making life and what we do "happy, happy, joy, joy" for supporters and the community (because who wants to support a complainer)  and on other days, the desire to scream "THIS IS SO FREAKING HARD AND LONELY AND MAY I PLEASE QUIT?!"(And when I attempt to, I usually go back and delete my comment or status).

Last night  I found myself spilling out my gut wrenching feelings to a few ladies and I was met with the unexpected..."What can I do? How can I help? I'm glad I know how to pray. Thank you for sharing the hard stuff because it makes you and what you do more human."

And oh how human I am. So I'm practicing real on my blog today.

I sent my husband a text message yesterday that said, "Can we please move to St. Augustine? I'll give red train tours and you can give boat tours." I was only half joking. 

Running....far away. It's what I want to do sometimes. The above came after a few very stressful weeks of ministry, failed attempts at self-care, no defined boundaries in a ministry of crisis care to kids and watching myself slide over the edge.

In so many ways we parent kids on a daily basis: we provide food, clothes, tutoring, emotional support, and sometimes....I forget that they are not my kids. I love them fiercely and worry about them, pray for them, laugh and cry with them. When they get sassy or disrespectful...it hurts. It hurts because I can't really discipline and I'm not talking about spanking or anything physical (I would never...), but I can't follow through on the needed ways to show them that there are consequences. So what did I do last week when a girl I have mentored for over a year and invested everything into reponded in a completely disrespectful and sassy way? I had a mom moment. I took my finger tips and turned her chin towards me and said, "look at me when I'm talking to you." Eye contact.....they refuse to make it but I needed her to not only hear me but see me. She took the opportunity that I've always feared and so carefully avoided  in dealing with kids. She laughed in my face and then started saying, "Did you see her try to choke me?" REALLY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!  It was also met by my realization that only her siblings and cousins were around to back up her story. So,  I spent the next 48 hours in complete fear, envisioning my life in prison (probably an overreaction and convinced myself there was no way I would survive it), wondering when were the cops were going to come haul me in for something I did not even do. The fear was real. I have never in my life felt that kind of intense anxiety. I finally went over to their house to face the fear head on and was met with smiles like nothing ever happened. (again...REALLY?!?) 

This came on the same week that we had four other kids coming to shower and do laungry at our house because they had no running water and their electricity was set to be shut off at any moment (This has since been taken care of), but every day for a week and a half the mom called me in desperation about her situation and scared DFCS was going to come and take her kids away and what could I do? This also met by trying to help the kids shower and do laundry on the down low because kids can be cruel, even if they may be facing the same thing.

Incarnational Ministry. I'm still trying to figure it out. How do we live in the midst of our community and be a light and safe place and still have boundaires. I think we are often seen as a local ministry or non profit, but we have always considered ourself full time missionaries more than anything, because we are IN IT 24/7, It was manageable with 12 kids, but now there are more like 45-50 and their families. Estabilishing boundaries and expectations with parents we are helping is tough. When the expectations are ignored, we have to follow through on the tough conversations and the consequences that go with them except they don't just effect the parents, it effects the whole family.

Supporting kids without enabling parents....it will always be the biggest struggle.

So....for those who say, "I don't know how you do it..." Neither do I. Only by the grace of God becaues in my humanness..I am simply that. Human. I feel all of the emotions. All of the frustation. All the worry. All the exhaustion. Some days....all the desire to run.  But I know we are in this place and situation for a reason. God is daily refining me to become more like Christ and in this context is where He is doing the sifting and refining. 

This was my scary post. The one where I say..."I do not have it all together, I am not superhuman."  And while I can let my mind run wild with all of the thoughts people may have, this is my truth.

 My real. No one elses. 

When I'm going through these moments, my first reaction is to reach out because its what I know I need. My second reaction follows very quickly in that I withdraw because even though its what I need, I don't want to put out the energy that comes with engaging. Been there?

So people who ask, "how can I help? What can I do?" I'm REALLY good at asking for others, here's my attempt at personal requests: (I'm going to bet this goes for any missionary friends!) So here is my: How to love on a full-time missionary list:

1. Pray. Not a cop out answer. Jesus is the only one who can sustain us and He is the provider of all things both materially and spiritually so in all seriousness, PLEASE add us to your prayer list. We need prayer warriors daily.

2. Love on us.  I cringe as I even write those words because I am a giver to a fault. Accepting, even though I have to, is hard. God has made it so that we literally survive each day on the generosity of others so I'm having to learn to speak what I need. Invite us to have dinner with your family.  Ask us to coffee. Treat us to a movie or concert. Send us a quick text, email or card in the mail that simply says, "Thinking of You." You have no idea how the little things sometimes get us through the hard days. The only way we truly get to breathe is to leave the neighborhood. Shutting the door to the House of Dreams does not work. If they know we are there, the knocking will not ever stop. So if you have a vacation home that is sitting empty somewhere and wouldn't mind allowing us to get away for a few days....it is so amazing to change the atmophere and reconnect. Pastors get sabbaticals and we are going to start scheduling some regular time out of the neighborhood in order to be sustained for the long haul.

3. Spread the Word. The best way for others to know about the ministry in our community is for you to tell them. Share our website. Invite us to speak at your church or business event. We WILL travel. The more people who know, the more people can be involved, the more lives we can impact, and the better resourced we will be to carry out the call. We sometimes think we are one of Savannah's best kept community secrets, but we want to change that. An ad about The Dream Campaign is on pg 158 of the Oct/Nov issues of Savannah Magazine. If you find yourself in doctors office, open it up to that page and leave it there ;)

4. Give as you can or feel led.  It's just a fact that we can only do what we do because God's people are generous. We have gone from 10-12 students weekly in the beginning of the year to closer to 45-50 now. If they all showed up at one time we'd probably have 75-80 kids in our yard for youth group. We are at a point where we could run after school programs and summer programs, but we need space and staff. That stuff costs money. We have our eye on a piece of property by the House of Dreams where we dream of building a center that could house youth group on the cold and rainy days and provide a space big enough to contain our entire group of kids for community programs. We are also trusting God that we can start receiving a directors salary this next year. Up to this point we have received no salary for running the Dream Campaign because it is what we felt the Lord leading us to do to get it up and running. We would love to be able to rent a little house in our neighborhood that is the Paddock Home where we can shut the door at night while still being a part of the community and keep the House of Dreams for strictly ministry space. One time gifts and monthly sponsorships are so greatly appreciated. Pray about being a part of our ministry financially. If God directs you in that manner, you can find the "Donate" button on our website: www.helpmedream.org  

All donations are tax deductible.

Thank you for reading and hearing my heart. Please hear me when I say I LOVE where we are and what we do. Just keepin it real ;)

Blessings, 

Morgan

In All Things

Sometimes we need the reminder that "In all Things...God works"..... Sometimes it is obvious and sometimes it feels like He is behind the scenes but He. Is. There.

Wednesday morning started off as most mornings....I was planning to work from the coffee shop while Glenn homeschooled at The House of Dreams.  Just as I was about to leave, I received a phone call from one of the student's moms asking if I could bring her a piece of paperwork to the Department of Family and Child Services. Her food stamps had been cut off because she was working more hours and no longer needed unemployment but there had been some sort of snafu between DFCS and Dept of Labor and her benefits were terminated. What started off as dropping off a piece of paper resulted in a 6 hour adventure with this mom taking us back and forth between the two places no less than 4 times. For the most part, I just chauffered and stayed in the car, but when we were sent back to the Department of Labor for the third time with the SAME exact instructions..I decided to go in to keep the frazzeled mom calm. What I witnessed frustrated me to my core. I was treated completely differently and met with a desire to help me get to the bottom of the issue. The fact that the mom saw this made it even worse. I know that she was frustrated and may not have been as kind after being told the same thing over and over again, but I can't blame her. She depends on bus transportation and would have had to go back and forth on a bus to two different parts of the city and would never have gotten the answer she needed. Just before they closed they decided to finally accept the paperwork that they declined in the beginning of the day and reinstatment of benefits was promised in 48 hours. We had the opportunity to talk about how Satan likes to try and discourage us and make us feel defeated...especially when we are doing the right things and receiving the blessings of doing that. She was  in a panic because her daughters birthday was the following day and she needed the food stamps to help with food for her party. I immediately put out the call for supporters to help throw her little 2 year old the best Minnie Mouse birthday party she could have to take that stress off of her shoulders. I assured her that God knew long before that moment that she would be in that position and He had already put others in the position to help. Within hours we had a cake, a grocery gift card, presents, decorations. And this was the most precious result!

The same week we spent time with another sweet girl who we treated to pizza one afternoon. While at the restaurant we asked her what her dreams were. She quickly went into a very animated discussion about wanting to go to Africa to feed the hungry children and how many she could bring them clothes.

On the way home we heard this sweet small voice in a whisper....as we listened we realized she was praying, "Dear God..please let me go to Africa to be a missionary." Bless!

There is one particular family that I have probably spent more time laboring over in prayer than others. The kids are involved in our ministry but I've had very little interaction with the parent. It seemed as though every time I would reach out to her and try to meet, she would either cancel or never come outside. Partnering with parents is the absolute best case scenario so that we can work together to set their child up for success. Recently this mom reached out to me and asked me for a workbook about Jesus. I purchased one for her and offered to meet with her and her older daughter weekly to discuss it. She agreed. I got up this morning, fully expecting her to cancel yet again but instead..for the first time ever she and her adult daughter got in my car and was very excited to meet.
We went to the local IHOP where I bought them breakfast and for an hour we talked about stress and worry and what God's Word says. I helped them come up with a Bible reading plan for this week. We prayed together and she expressed how thankful she was for what we were doing with her kids and to PLEASE keep doing it.

Y'all.....GOD IS GOOD. He is never late. He hears our prayers. He sees needs. He wants to show up and meet them in unexpected ways. He loves to see his church mobilized to carry each others burdens in whatever way that looks like at the time. And personally.....we are so thankful. Thank you for praying with us, showing up and meeting the needs we express. This is such a fun story to be a part of.

Blessings.

Flipping the Switch

The past 24 hours of ministry have felt much like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

I returned home at 8 pm Monday night from an amazing weekend retreat, where I led worship. Satan had been on my heels leading all the way up to the retreat....health issues, pulled back, etc. I think he knew God was winning that battle and sat on my doorstep waiting for me to return.

Before I could even get the car into park, I noticed a few neighborhood kids wrestling around in the empty lot across the street. I rolled down my window, yelled out the name of a kid I recognized. I got out of the car as he rounded the corner walking away from me. I called out his name again and asked him to come and speak to me to which he yelled out an emphatic "NO!" This caught me completely off guard as this is a young boy who is always SO polite and filled with kindness towards me. I finally got him to meet me in the middle of the street and he was all out of sorts. He started telling me I needed to give him a backpack buddy, or a plate a food. He started demanding chips or cookies. Then he started growling and grunting at me. I was in a complete state of shock......completely lost as to what was happening. He was all but foaming at the mouth, waving his arm around and walking in circles. I asked him if there was someone expecting him at home since it was 8 pm on a school night. He grunted and said, "no." Then he took off down the street. I could not stop him. I did not know exactly where he lived and I worried the rest of the night. I called the school counselor and left a message with my concern and asked her to please check on him today.

This afternoon the same little boy was playing basketball in my backyard. I called him over again and this time he approached me as he normally does. Kind and smiling. I looked him in the eye and said, "Were you on something last night?" He looked away. "What were you on? I know the difference between normal and crazy and you were crazy last night." He finally said, "yes Ma'am. Someone gave me a pill to take and it made me crazy. I don't know what it was." Thankful that he was at least honest with me but terrified at the reality, I explained how dangerous it was and how things like that could LITERALLY kill him. I made him look me in the eye and promise me he would NEVER take things like that again. I can't know that he meant it when he uttered the commitment not to, but it started the conversation. THIS is what we have always had an awareness of in theory and feared for the kids we work with, but have never actually experienced it until today. Glenn was able to get him to tell him the area in which he received this drug but we know he will never tell us who.....but we know from the corner that it is a high gang/drug traffic area.  It's probably good that I personally do not exactly know because there is a high chance that I would have already marched myself over there, put my finger in someone's chest with a clear message and ended up dead or in jail. (Although my husband may be a Gang intervention/prevention specialist.....I did not receive that training and it was all mama bear coming out in me).

Last week Glenn and I had to pull two girls off of each other who were fighting in the middle of the street after school and who left remains of their hair in the intersection......simply because one of them said, "I wanna fight you." 

It's the simple flick of a switch. It's that moment when you are faced with yes or no, accept or reject, hit or walk away. There is no dimmer on this light....the anger doesn't build, it explodes. There is always regret, always remorse, always understanding after the fact. Most of the time there are tears that lead to more tears that uncover the deep seeded anger and hurt that is at the root of these episodes.  We are working hard to build relationships with parents. There are a handful that I have come to call friends and neighbors. We are working together to help their children succeed, but with 75-100 different kids in our yard over the course of this year......there are so many that I only know for hanging out here, but have never met a parent or even know where they live. (We are working on rectifying this slowly but surely).

It's easy to get caught up in the Twilight Zone moments like last night and think, "what the heck is happening? What can we possibly do? This is incredibly overwhelming!" I was there for a  couple of hours last night. Then today happened. I received a text message from two of our girls that said, "can we please hang out with you tonight?" I couldn't say no. I MISSED being with our kids these past few days. When I pulled up to their front door, the younger sister jumped in the car and immediately wrapped her arms around my neck telling me how much she missed me. The older sister got in and did the same thing and said I can never leave again. lol But then they wanted to know if I had a good time on my retreat....in fact.....all of the kids have asked about where I was and what I was doing and I get to share about it. I treated the girls to dinner and then headed to the Christian bookstore to get them the next book in their series....one sister is starting her 8th BOOK in 2.5 weeks. The younger sister is starting her 3rd and struggles with reading but she is trying so hard. We picked up a journal for young girls with questions about God that we are going to work on together. I picked up another book to read through with another little girl who is asking a lot of questions about becoming a Christian and getting baptized.

But...the main reason we were at that store tonight was because their mom sent me a text message last week and asked me if I would get her a workbook about Jesus. I knew she was going through a lot and so I picked out a women of faith workbook about worry and stress. I wrote a little note in it and sent it home with the girls. See...this is a mom who I have been praying for about a year and a half. I've only had two very short interactions with her. I've tried to meet with her on several occasions but she always canceled or refused to meet with me. I received a text for her tonight thanking me for the book and I decided to bite the bullet and take my chances by sending this reply: "You are so welcome. If you'd like, I'd love to get the same workbook and maybe we could meet once a week and talk about it." She AGREED to start meeting with me every Friday and even said we could meet in her home if I wanted to. I'm telling you, Glenn was outside at the fire pit doing his weekly Men's Bible study and he got an ALL CAPS LOCK text from me! I  was all but on the floor with shock and excitement.

God is working. God is good. HE is working, moving and stirring the hearts of our students, their parents and our community. I DO believe that we will see change. I DO believe that these students will rise to the occasion and become LEADERS of GOOD in our community. I DO believe that parents will become more invested and we will see an awakening of God and revival.

PRAYER WORKS. MENTORNG WORKS.

PLEASE continue to pray for the ministry and the work God is doing. Pray for protection of these innocent children and that God would keep the enemy away from their precious hearts and hands. Pray for provision of resources and volunteers. For those of you who have been sowing into us in resources and prayers, I wanted you to know that the enemy is alive and well but the battle belongs to the Lord and HE is victorious.

Interrupted

It was a monumental moment when a local government funded agency approached us about providing The Dream Campaign in one of its local neighborhoods. We never expected that we would get the opportunity. We short changed God that HE could get us into anywhere he wanted. We worked on that project for almost a year. Meetings and paperwork. Waiting and Dreaming.
When we submitted our proposal we were very clear about the fact that we were a faith based organization. We submitted a sample of our lessons which is based on biblical leadership principles.
Everyone was accepting and excited. We moved our stuff into the community center, had sign ups and waited. And waited. And waited...

We were waiting on an MOU for the building use agreement. I was quite dismayed when I opened the attachment to read that we could not pray, have devotionals, talk about God, etc. It essentially said, "come offer your program, but don't do your program." The only thing that had been mentioned to that point was that we couldn't put bible verses on the walls since the building may be used for other things. I emailed them back and said, "I can't sign this...I can't be something I'm not and I've been upfront from day 1."

They scheduled a conference call and with great regret and heartfelt apologies owned the fact that there was an oversight in the process. They assumed since parents were signing off their childs participation in a faith based organization it would be acceptable. The legal team that handles all of their paperwork informed them otherwise..."Separation of Church and State" stands.

There was sadness that this project we had invested so much time in had abruptly ended with absolutely no warning, but without knowing, it was actually an interruption that ushered a greater opportunity for us. 

What we did not know was that the ministry in our own backyard was going to double in size during the course of our "Wait." We did not know that the following week we would have 60% growth in students and a 150% growth in volunteers. Had the expansion of our ministry to an additional location happened when we were expectating, we would not have been prepared for the growth right where we are on a daily basis. We would have been stretched too thin and struggling to train and duplicate at a rate that would prove beneficial.

I say all of that to say that sometimes the interruptions in our life serve a much greater purpose than we can even fathom. I am a dreamer. A visionary. A creative. I am always looking forward and planning for the NEXT thing. Sometimes what God is doing is right where I am with what He has given me in that moment. Maybe there is a greater quality to what I can be doing now before expanding. Maybe the kids in our neighborhood need to be able to knock on our door on Tuesday and Thursday and know someone will answer...not be somewhere else. More is not always best. We are almost in a position where we can offer an after school program where we are. That was never on our radar, but our increase in activitiy and the need to personally reach each student personally almost makes it necessary. Sometimes growth means going deep before going wide.

Is there an area of your life that needs to go deep before going wide?

Do you seek for the opportunity in interruptions?

Learning to love the here and now,
Morgan

Breaking the Silence on Ferguson: It Starts With Me.

For the past ten days, I have been watching the stories coming out of Ferguson, MO. I have watched the news stories, the live news feeds, read the blogs, followed #Ferguson on Twitter, paid attention to status updates on Facebook regarding the heinous things that are happening. I have done so silently. I typed a blog during the first few days from a place of anger but never hit publish. That anger turned to sadness, sadness to confusion, confusion to introspection, introspection to realization and the realization to finding my voice. I do not think I am alone in this. I have watched so many of my friends so wonderfully articulate their feelings in a call to justice while I sat numb, feeling like my voice had no place. This morning, my friend posted a rally cry with a collage of twitter updates asking the Caucasian community to speak up. They were all inviting and asking for our voice in the conversation. I'm breaking my silence.

I'm ashamed. 

I'm ashamed that after all these years racism is still alive. It is not only alive but it is rearing its ugly head in some of the most heartbreaking and infuriating ways. The side by side pictures that are surfacing of years past vs this past week look identical. This is the type of history that should not repeat itself. I'm ashamed that as a human race we are still having to learn lessons on respect, love and just down right dignity.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that the color of ones skin can directly affect and dictate the type of treatment they receive. I have wrestled all week with the phrase, "white privilege." I hate it. As much as an African American person hates being judged for their darker skin, I absolutely HATE the assumptions that come with my lighter skin. However....just because I hate it does not make it false. It angers me so much because there IS truth in it. It is a reality that devastates me, but one that I must leverage for good.

I'm sad.

I have looked at numerous pictures online and there is one of a lady looking at a camera and she is wearing the exhaustion and heartbreak on her face. It is an image I have not been able to shake. I am sad that a small number of people are choosing to respond with violence and looting. It is heartbreaking to see police using tear gas, tanks, batons, shields and guns. THIS IS AMERICA! There is no FREEDOM in those images. I'm sad that there are children holding signs that say, "Don't Shoot." Children. They are growing up with this as their reality and it is formative in these young minds.

I'm aware. 

I have started paying more attention to what people say or do not say regarding race. I have immersed myself in a community and a culture that is 95% African American. I can go an entire day without seeing another Caucasian person in my neighborhood. I have worked so hard to be accepted by my neighbors and for the most part, I think that I am. I am also aware that no matter how hard I listen, learn or try to understand. I will never be able to understand 100% the thoughts, feelings and issues they face due to their race and it's a gap that I feel every day. I have listened to peoples concerns for mine and my husbands safety because of where we live. Deep down I know those concerns would not be the same if we lived in a neighborhood filled with people of our same race.  I know that some people reading this will say, "Oh that's not true," and if that's you....sit on that for awhile. Think about it. Examine it. I had to as well.

I'm hopeful.

I was sixteen miles from Ferguson last week visiting a friend in St. Louis and I attended a community prayer gathering. It was one of the greatest pictures of Heaven I have ever seen. There were people from all walks of life and different races who came together in unity to pray for our communities. One of the pastors talked about how in the midst of such chaos we need to remember "the God who sees and will set everything right." That brought such comfort to me. Not only does God see what is happening as a whole, He sees each person individually where they are. He knows the depth of our sadness, anger, confusion. He sees the unanswered questions and the aches and groans that feel too deep for words.   I'm hopeful because I see peoples of various races coming together united in the midst of division. I see an invitation extended and people accepting. I see the church coming to the city and people standing on the front lines in a cry for change and justice. I'm hopeful because I see this starting to happen in our city as well. Families crossing neighborhood lines and watching children of different races playing together. This gives me hope. 

I'm learning.

Listening is something we all need to be doing right now. There are voices that need to be heard. There are books, blogs, stories that we all need to read. I want to know what is actually happening and how people really feel. I want to be able to take part in the conversation without appearing or actually being ignorant. I want to know the issues that my neighbors face. I want to go deeper in knowledge and in self reflection. I need to have an opinion. I need to educated in things that I do not understand. 

It is my problem.

This is not just something happening on the news somewhere else. This is not someone else's issue. This is my neighborhood. My community. My town. Any of the boys I work with could have been Mike Brown and I have a responsibility in making sure that does not become a reality. I can not change the thoughts and opinions of people in our entire country. My place is not at a peaceful protest in Ferguson, MO. My place is in a small neighborhood in Savannah, GA and a member of a large predominately caucasian church. I live in a city where I see segregation every day. I have a voice and I have an audience. You have a voice and you have an audience. What are you saying...or not saying?

I came across this quote  that sums it all up for me:

"Everybody thinks about changing humanity, 

nobody thinks about changing himself."

Leo Tolstoy

It starts with me.