"I'm UGLY, Help." The Weight of Words.

"I'm Ugly, Help." Those were the words scribbled on a piece of worn cardboard being held by a man on the side of the interstate yesterday near Atlanta.

"Lift It. Fat Chicks Can't Jump!!" Those were the words across the back of a lifted pick up truck that I had to follow for miles as I was leaving the island last week on my way to downtown. I had the same type of feeling after reading each of those phrases. It hurt.  My eyes filled with tears both times.

I was hurt FOR the man that stood in a position of need holding a label that carries so many feelings and I was hurt by the person driving the truck and I wondered if he had any idea that there was a woman crying on her way to work because she was subject to his opinion. But then I have to stop and wonder...does it hurt because it's out there, or because I have put a label on myself to identify with those words?

If you were really honest with yourself what would your sign say...."I'm ____________. Help"

So often we put a label on ourselves that is so far outside of the way God sees us. We look in the mirror and think..."I'm ugly. I'm fat. I hate _____about myself." Or we decide that we won't be accepted because of a trait or feature and then we OWN that label and wear that label and we start to define ourselves by that label. And as if that's not enough, we start to let others define us with that label accepting that it's just the way it is and become hurt and offended when that nerve is touched. And at the end of the day.......we have allowed ourselves to believe a LIE. Sure we all have room to improve and strive for excellence, but we allow the volume of the voice of destruction and self doubt and self pity to be louder than the voice of TRUTH.

Ephesians 3:16-21

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹⁶ May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the [Holy] Spirit [Himself indwelling your innermost being and personality].¹⁷ May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love,¹⁸ That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God’s devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it];¹⁹ [That you may really come] to know [practically, ^[a]through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses ^[b]mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] ^[c]unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and^[d]become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!

What might our signs say if we are founded securely on love? If we are a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself? I'm sure it hurts God's heart to see us wearing and believing a label HE did not design for us. God doesn't give us a label. He has a banner over us and it is love.

Instead of taking our cue from other people, we need to be buckled into how God sees us and He tells us that over and over in His Word. Then...when Satan tries to throw  lies at us, our shield of faith and belt of truth will protect our hearts and minds from the enemy.

You ARE Beautiful. You ARE loved.
This is a fact...because we were Created in the IMAGE of God. We are HIS workmanship.
Your Abba Father (Daddy) is THE greatest artist and creator of all time.
He does not make mistakes.

Blessings.

The Only Thing That Counts is.....

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself 

through LOVE." 

Galatians 5:6

This has been a week I will not soon forget. A week that has humbled me. A week that has changed me.

Although I have been quiet on my blog, life has been anything but quiet. We are now getting settled in Savannah, GA and officially starting The Dream Campaign.

To say that God has hemmed in each step would be an incredible understatement. The amount of confirmation and support that we have received in this transition has been incredible and all God.

Let me share one of these experiences where God has taken a nightmare for some local residents and turned it into an incredible opportunity and time of ministry.

There is an apartment complex in Savannah where we have decided to focus some efforts with The Dream Campaign. We have decided that we want to focus on youth in their own environment. Whole neighborhoods where we can serve and impact families. We passed out 200 Valentines to the residents with this message. 

One of the residents asked if she could pray for US! She prayed over our marriage as we serve together and prayed a blessing over our efforts in the community.  That was February 14th. Little did we know exactly 14 days later we would be presented with an incredible opportunity to "express our faith through love."

Last Thursday as I was going to bed, I happened to look at Facebook one last time before closing my eyes. I saw a Breaking News Report of a 2 alarm fire in the complex where we passed out the Valentines. I immediately sent a text to the Leasing Manager (who has become a dear friend.)

To make a long story a little shorter, we were the first people there to help after the Red Cross.

Over the past 5 days, in partnership with our church (Savannah Christian) and other community members, we have been looking for tangible ways to serve the 26 residents displaced, several of whom lost almost everything. 

We have been able to do everything from deliver clean undergarments to their hotel,  help clean out scorched apartments, deliver new pillows and towels, to helping organize community efforts to replace the items they lost in the fire.  We have met incredible residents who have stepped up and said, "I want to help my neighbor and pay it forward," gave hugs and invited people to church with us for dinner tomorrow night. (And everyone has accepted so far).  I have been able to share about the love of God and people listen....why? Because we are EXPRESSING our faith through LOVE.

Here are a few photos to capture the past few days:

We went shopping today for new pillows and pillowcases, towels and a sleeping bag for a 15 year old boy who will not have a bed tonight. I literally cried as I loaded the cart humbled by the whole experience. 

We helped one family unload all of their smokey,  water drenched belongings from the u-haul into their new apartment. Many were trying to salvage ANYTHING. One man pushed a grocery cart back and forth between the scorched apartment and the new empty apartment ALL DAY, searching to fill it with some semblance of home. 

Although I don't believe God caused the fire. I believe He KNEW this would happen and HE put that nudge in our hearts to focus our efforts here.  

I can not tell you how many times this week we have been thankful to be flexible and available as needed. THANK YOU for believe in us, supporting us and helping us to live out the calling God has on our lives through your generosity and prayers. 

Please continue to pray for the families who will be starting over. Pray that conversations will continue and that the Gospel will not only be shared in our words but in our deeds. That people will know love in a new way.

And please pray for favor for us as we continue the process of trying to move into this complex so we can continue this ministry in a full time/ tangible way though The Dream Campaign.

As you go to bed tonight, lay your head on a clean pillow, snuggle under the covers on a comfy bed, wake up, shower and dry off with a clean towel, put on a clean pair of underwear and clothes and start your day. No matter what tries to steal your joy........be thankful. I guarantee there are 26 people who would be so thankful for those simple things tonight. And when you meet someone who is struggling.

Choose Compassion.

It will change your life.

The Heart Test.

It's really easy to think you have a handle on something until it's tested. It's really easy to think you're a loving and kind person until someone or something provokes those feelings of anger to rise up out of you. There have been some situations over the last week that have caused me to take a very honest look at my heart.
I walked around for about 24 hours teary eyed because I kept saying, "God, I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being mad. I don't like being angry. And I don't know how to just CHOOSE to not feel this way." Oh the blessing and curse of "emotions."

I was reading over these scriptures this morning:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."  - Psalm 139:23

"On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts." 1 Thessalonians 2:4

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart." - Proverbs 17:3

Ouch. How often do we ASK God to test us? I know I do not walk around asking to be tested. 
I seem to automatically operate on the "if it's not broke, don't fix" mentality. But how will we truly know how broken we are unless we are tested. There is no greater measure of where we are than to have our heart tested.

Maybe those moments that make you cringe or tempt you to go all cray cray on someone really aren't about the other person, but a test of your heart. Maybe it's a reminder that God see's our heart....not the smile we slap on.

Thankfully, I know that my Abba loves me in my brokenness and allows me the opportunity to try again.

Will you pray for God to search your heart today? 

What do you think He would find?

I don't know about you, but I think I just need a t-shirt that says "Work in Progress."

Immeasurably More...

It has been so long since I've blogged, I hesitate with where to begin.

My mind has be blown lately. Our focus verse for The Dream Campaign is Ephesians 3:20 -

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

I've focused so much on this verse being FOR the kids we were going to be working with, not evening thinking about how true this is in my own life. As I reflect, I am blown away by how God has been making this verse a banner over us.....His love. His love for His children. His desire for His purpose to be carried out.

For the better part of my life, I tried to "make" things happen. I tried to manipulate situations to get a desirable outcome to benefit me. I can honestly say that God convicted me of that in a serious way a few years ago. When Glenn and I moved to Atlanta, we committed our life to serve God with everything we had. We consistently talked about how what we had was not ours, but God's.... so we would never cling too tightly to "stuff." 

When we were faced with unexpected circumstances around every bend.....we held tight to the fact that God was in control. I can't lie....Glenn did this much better than me and had much patience with me as my head and heart had to align. I would like to say that it was easy, but it was a battle of the mind on many occasions. 2012 was one of the biggest "growing" seasons of my life. 

The Dream Campaign was God's idea...not ours. We never set out to work with at-risk youth or start our own non-profit. We have had to learn every step of the way and are still learning. I have been frustrated, cried my eyes out, been scared out of my mind that we would fail and ultimately had to die to the desire to control or manipulate the outcome. 

But....God is Sovereign. He is SO incredibly beautiful and merciful.....and good. So so so so good. He has, is and will do immeasurably more

So what does this look like currently?

Glenn and I are in the process of relocating back to Savannah, GA. This was an incredibly hard decision for me because I was so looking forward to putting down roots in our neighborhood. I have heart strings tied to so many kids and families here. One night Glenn said, "Morgan....we haven't really talked about it, but do you want to stay in Atlanta?" With tear filled eyes, I looked at him and said...."We can't. We have to go where God is leading." We had never talked about it because we both "knew" without question that God was moving us. This is very hard for me for several different reasons which I'll touch on in a future blog, but there are so many wonderful things about going back as well.

God, who does immeasurably more, has paved the way for us to have two site locations from the Dream Campaign. We have been adopted by one of the fastest growing church congregations in the nation as one of their local outreach focuses. We have been given a free place to live for a few months at the beach, while we look for a more permanent place in the inner city. (Who lives at the beach while they look for a home in the inner city?...only us!) But God knows how much we both love that setting and HE has given us a "God wink"....he knows our hearts desires and LOVES to bless His children in unexpected ways. We received an unexpected call today asking us what our Wish List was for the ministry with a commitment to purchase some of the things on our list. Every single detail that I have worried over, God has been all over.

I am humbled. I am humbled that God knows, and God sees, God acts and God is...and is to come.

That in this great big world, He knows my name, the number of hairs on my head, my thoughts, the intricate details that HE knit together in my mother's womb.

I am humbled....and I am honored. Honored that He has entrusted such a special ministry to two broken people who struggle, stumble and fail.

But because HE is in it....I am excited. Excited to see what HE does. Excited to experience immeasurably more and help others awaken to God...who is greater than their wildest dreams.

The Tension of "Yet"

I have found myself constantly thinking about the word "yet."  It's a three letter word that carries a lot of weight and  meaning. On one side it means things to come, "Are we there yet?" "Is it done yet?" "Are you ready yet?" It includes a time of waiting. Lately when people ask how we are doing, I want to share of all that God has done and how he is providing. I have caught myself saying things like, "I know God will provide. The bills aren't due "Yet." I have felt personally challenged by this statement a lot lately. The truth is.....it is a fact. We have not had a standard paycheck in a year now but.all of our bills have been paid in one form or another.   So why is it that when I check our bank account from time to time my heart starts to beat a little faster and beads of sweat start to form along with the tightness in my chest when it looks like it's not going to be enough? In these moments....God has been whispering the word "Yet" to my soul. It's as if He is reminding me, "I may not be early, but I'm also not late."

My mom just got back from her first mission trip to Guatemala. As we were looking through the pictures of the children and the housing that is common among the residents of the village, we were discussing that they don't really seem to "Want" for anything. The joy on their faces is not plagued with a worry that they won't have what they need. I think growing up in America has spoiled me. When things don't happen on my watch and  the waiting stretches me outside of my comfort zone, I'm tempted to panic. It is so uncalled for. It's usually an indication that my comfort level has dropped. The more that this happens (and it's been happening frequently) the louder God says..."YET!"

Looking back over the past year and even before....my life has been a testimony of the YET of God. I see it. I know it. It doesn't feel easier. I believe God has to continually allow me to be in a position to SEE and LOOK for Him in the YET. If I always had the money for bills weeks in advance....I would become comfortable and content. But when the due date arrives and someone at lunch slides a check across the table for the amount that is due without knowing. Or when a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time emails me to say..."I have written your name in my journal a lot the past few months. Would it be ok if I sent financial support to you and your husband through May?"  God forgive me for doubting you in the "Yet" moments.

The other definition I've been thinking about is when "yet" means: in spite of. My last summer in Vancouver, I was introduced to a song that would become my theme song in life. One that I would visit many times in the days ahead. The song is "Yet I will praise." I'm sure I've shared it with you before but as a reminder...

YET...I WILL praise You Lord.

Where are you today? Are you living in a "Yet" season? Do you think God has forgotten you? Do you think your struggle is too big to overcome? Does your mountain seem to high? Does your addiction seem too strong? Does your heart feel too broken? Are you too tired?

Don't give up. Our God is famous for the "Yet" seasons. When we come to the end of ourselves and in the midst of our situations are able to say "Yet I Will Praise," our perspectives change, we see our God is Greater, and we wait expectantly for how He chooses to work....not on OUR time....but on His, knowing He is NEVER late.

As hard as it is sometimes, I pray that I always remain in the tension of "yet"....knowing that I can wait expectantly while actively praising Him.

Continually striving for more of Him....and less of me.

Putting Down Roots

If you have known me long, you know that I am one to move. I don't mind change. I like an adventure. For only being 31, I have lived in a number of places. The time has come where I'm ready to put down some roots. The adventure now comes in staying, not going. We have a mission field all around us and we feel like in order to really have an impact, we have to become a neighbor, live among those we are serving, cultivate relationships...and that takes time.

In the beginning of the year, I wrote this blog: My Word for 2012: Cultivate.
Little did I know how prophetic that was in the sense that it has been an idea that has been so relevant to this season. It has also been the subject of many a sermon or bible study I've read so far this year.  Every time the word is mentioned, it stirs something in me.

It's got me thinking a lot about how I'm cultivating in different areas of my life. My friendships? My relationship with my husband? Family? Good health? Income? Ministry?

I've been reminded that it doesn't just happen. A good relationship or good friendship is not healthy if its not being cultivated on a continual basis. Good health doesn't "just" happen. It requires an intentional focus.

I want to leave a legacy of intentional cultivation. I want to look back 5 years from now and see the fruits of staying in \ our neighborhood. I want to have a stronger relationship with my husband, family and friends. I want to be deeper in love with the Lord in a way I never imagined. And ultimately....I want to be changed. Refined. Renewed.

Only when I take the time to cultivate my relationship with God can I be sure that I'm right where I need to be. Christy Nockels has a song on her new album called "For Your Splendor" that I put on repeat quite often.  The chorus reads:

 With my roots deep in you

I'll grow the branch that bears the fruitAnd though I’m small I'll still be standing in the storm.Cause I am planted by the river.By your streams of living water.And I'll grow up strong and beautiful, All for Your splendor Lord.
You can watch the entire video here:

So this is my prayer today. I so desperately want to face the storm with no fear because my roots are deep enough that I know I will weather the storm. I pray, you too, continue to cultivate the different areas of your life.

If you would like to read our full newsletter, you can do so here: The Paddocks Fall Newsletter 2012.

For His Renown,

Morgan

A Different Kind of Love

This is a blog that's a little difficult to type, yet it has been on my mind A LOT lately and I feel like there are probably people out there that can identify. I think when you get to be in your 30's and married, family just seems to be on the brain. It's like this natural brain shift takes place and you find yourself always thinking about future and what your family will be like (at least I do). But somewhere in the back of your mind you think...IF I get to have a family. It seems like pregnancy is EVERYWHERE. One of my step sister's is pregnant, one already has a daughter, my sister in law is pregnant with her 2nd,

one of my close friends is as well, all of my college roommates are mom's (two of them have or will shortly have 4 kids). And I have this longing that goes deeper than you can put words to.  A longing be able to experience that same thing. I'm not bitter.  I don't want people to feel uncomfortable talking about their kids or feel like they have to hide their excitement. I am happy for them and get the blessing of being surrounded by beautiful children. But there is just that longing.

If you can identify you know that you catch yourself looking at the baby stuff in target, you're always making faces and trying to get the baby in the the check out line or restaurant to smile or laugh at you, you get teary eyed in every movie that has a parenting theme. Glenn and I desire to have a family, but sometimes I wonder what that family will look like. Will they be our flesh and blood? Will we adopt? Will it look like it does now? Playing parent to the kids God brings in our path? And if it's not the first, will God still be good? Will it be "enough"? Sometimes, honestly, I want to say, "no God...it's not enough, " but I know that's not truth.  When I was younger, if you asked me what I wanted to be, I would have said, "A preacher's wife and a mom." Those were my two greatest desires. The first is in progress, but the second.....we'll see. (note: I'm not saying we can't have children, we just haven't yet and so this is all hypothetical if I'm not able to get pregnant.)

While working with inner city youth, we have been given the names, "Mama Morgan and Papa Glenn," and one kid just straight up calls us "mom and dad." We go to sporting events. We have family time: We play games. We watch  movies together. When they act up we have the hard conversations. We laugh. We make them turn off their cell phones when we have quality time. We cry. I sometimes lay awake and worry. Our phone rings at all different times. We are always looking out for their best interest even if they don't understand. We go grocery shopping and they put all manner of things in the basket. They talk back. They get mad. They give hugs. They show love. We provide a safe place. A respite. A place of laughter and love. We give truth in love. We teach boundaries.

We were talking about peace one day when we were working with middle school students at Rescue Atlanta. One of the questions on their worksheet was "Where do you feel most at peace?" My eyes filled with tears as I read sheet after sheet that said, "Morgan and Glenn's House."

Glenn and I catch each other's eyes all the time and have that unspoken moment of "this is what matters." But then the kids go home and the house is quiet and the longing is louder than ever. We went to a church last week and the pastor was speaking on singleness, but he was addressing the goodness of God even when things don't go the way we want. He shared his own personal struggle with not being able to have kids and all the experiences that come with it....but said, "Maybe it's not how God wants me to experience Him" And he talked about not lamenting things but using your situation as leverage for the Kingdom.

While I desire more than anything to be a mom, what if its not God's plan for us? What if being a Mom would prevent me from being invested and flexible to be in all of these youth's lives? What if it would prevent us from being flexible and mobile to GO and do whatever God calls? What if?

So as I wrestle for a place of peace on the issue, I'm reminded that God is good. God is in control, and at the end of the day....it's not about me. I want to be used how HE would have me to be used. To have children of our own, adopt, or to be positive role models in the lives of at risk youth. Maybe it's all three.

There are moments when this path feels too hard. It's hard to struggle to stay where we are. It would be easier to find a good paying job and move. It's hard not knowing how the bills will get paid, or trying to budget with the little you have and struggle with going to games and going to pick up kids because you feel like you don't have the money to drive all over town or pay admission fees. And then I realize....these are the struggles of the people we are reaching. I have compassion on a new level for some of these families situations. But I also know that God is always providing in ways that we know is only HIM.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just wanted to share because I never really understood that internal struggle until recently and I'm aware that some of my friends may be in that same spot. I wanted to say...you're not alone.

So while we are waiting.... these are some of the moments when my heart feels full, and it feels like enough for that moment.

Thanks for reading,
Morgan

kids falling asleep on our couch